Losing my brother: Five years on

Time feels like a strange concept when you’re grieving.

It feels fleeting, brief and sudden, like you’re racing against an hourglass, watching each grain of sand as it trickles away. And yet it some moments, it feels like an eternity.

I was only ever aware of this after my brother died.

In the early days of my grief, it was about surviving. It was about getting through a single day without collapsing from the weight of sheer panic and despair. It was all about trying to see that little glimmer of light at the end of a very dark and distant tunnel. You wonder how you’ll ever get through it.

Then time starts to feel like a large predator, grabbing at your ankles as you feel yourself slipping behind. You become more aware of the value of life when you lose someone you love. You realise the fragility of life and how every moment counts. There’s a pressure behind those thoughts that nobody seems to recognise until grief touches their family.

You feel like you owe it to your sibling to live your life to the fullest, to do all the things they wouldn’t do, to live in the moment and seize every opportunity that comes your way.

Last May marked five years since my brother died. It was the first anniversary where I had realised just how quickly the past few years had gone.

Most of those early years I don’t remember. Every once in a while, whilst I’m laying on bed struggling to go to sleep, a moment will flash by like a passing train. Inevitably it’s a haunting memory, the look on my brother’s face before he collapsed or the moment he was stretchered out from the back of an ambulance. But sometimes it’s a comforting memory. A simple, yet happy time when we were blissfully unaware of the pain that would consume our safe haven.

In December I turned 25. In the grand scheme of things, it rather an insignificant age. It’s not a milestone. Nobody gets a big birthday party or a special tacky glass or teddy bear to commemorate it, and yet for some reason I felt sheer panic in the pit of my stomach. It was like I’d woken up and noticed I’d slept in for too long. Five years had passed without my brother being alive.

You can’t blame people for moving on with their lives. I understand. But it doesn’t stop you from resenting it. The earth continues to spin on it’s axis, even when your world is falling apart.

I’m five years away from the moments I last spoke to my brother. Five years on since I last held him in my arms and told him I loved him, even though he was a pain, like most little brother’s should be.

The truth is that time doesn’t make it easier to deal with. If anything, sometimes it’s more difficult. When you first lose someone you love, you’re inundated with support. Cards and flowers cover every inch of surface within your home. Your notifications are constantly popping up, Facebook messages from school friends who are thinking of you or emails from family members with poems about love and loss. But what happens when the flowers wilt and die? What happens when the messages dry up and people move on?

We are left with an emptiness that will never quite be filled. Over time the pain is no longer as overpowering or unbearable. It’s more of a heavy weight that sits on your shoulders and seeps in to your being, becoming part of your DNA, your identity. Grief changes you. The pain reminds us of what we have lost, what we will never again find and how fragile life is. We wouldn’t change it. Although at times it’s more painful than words could ever express, it is who we are now. We carry it with us for the rest of our life, hoping we will find other human beings who are compassionate enough to notice our loss, respect our story and allow us to frame it on our wall, etch it into the tapestry of our life.

Five years without my brother may seem like a long time for those who haven’t lost a loved one. But for our family, we carry this grief with us for the rest of our lives. We are navigating a treacherous terrain and no matter how far we might get on this journey, there is still a chance we could slip or fall.

I have learnt time changes when you are grieving. It takes a new form.

I panic sometimes that another five years will go by in a flash, another five years without my brother’s voice or his smile will pass me so fast I can’t comprehend it. But one thing I do know for certain is that he will always be a part of my life and who I am. No matter what happens, he is always there, shaping who I am and who I want to be.

If you haven’t already listened, I did an episode about sibling grief for Beyond Today, a podcast by Radio 4. I shared my story alongside other bereaved siblings, including correspondent Matthew Price. I hope it’s helpful to those who need to talk about their grief:

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https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p06w5z3m

Thank you,
Georgia

Featured on BBC Three Counties Radio!

For anybody who doesn’t currently follow my Twitter or like my Facebook page (I’ll leave the details below if you’d like to follow me on social media), on Friday 28th August, I appeared on the brilliant Nick Coffer‘s radio show on BBC Three Counties Radio!

I was asked to go on the show to talk about my blog as well as the subject matters I talk about on Georgia Next Door (Anxiety and mental health). Nick and I had been speaking on Twitter a few days previously and realised we had a lot in common when it came to dealing with anxiety!

It was such an amazing opportunity to feature on my local radio and talk about issues which mean a lot to me.

For anyone who missed me on the show Friday, here is a link:

http://bbc.in/1Fjs8jW

Let me know what you thought of the show!

Thank you all for the continued support and hello to all the new followers!

Georgia

xo

Follow me for the latest news and updates about my blog:

Twitter: @thatgeorgiacoan

Facebook: Georgia Next Door

Misconceptions of Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety Anxiety is kind of like that friend who you know has your best interests but is actually REALLY clingy and slightly obsessive

Anxiety is a natural emotional response to anything that our brain deems as being dangerous. Referred to as the ‘fight or flight’ response, it was most useful back in the stone ages to prevent yourself becoming lunch for a hungry creature double your size.

Hormones, such as adrenaline, would prepare you physically to fight the creature or do a runner! In turn, this would make you feel more alert and ready your muscles for a WWE style smack down or a Mo Farah run, which would hopefully stop you from becoming a human kebab!

Thankfully, we don’t have to worry as much about creatures trying to feast upon us these days.

But these reactions to potentially dangerous situations are still prevalent and sometimes for good reasons. Without anxiety, we would literally all live our lives like members of the Jack Ass team. As an emotion, it allows us to approach situations with a levelheaded outlook.

‘Hey Bob, should I dangle my legs off this really tall cliff for the lol’s?’  

‘Hmm, not to sure about that Jim…Sounds dangerous to me’  

‘What’s the worst that could happen?’  

‘Well, you could slip and fall down the cliff to your death Jim’  

‘Yeah, that’s true Bob, better not try that then’

(In this situation, Bob is anxiety)

Anxiety will cause feelings of unease and fearfulness in many life situations from school exams and job interviews to illnesses or breakups. But for many people, these feelings will only be present during a small and reasonable length of time. These are normal emotional reactions that every person will and should feel.

An anxiety disorder refers to an exaggerated and prolonged response that affects an individual’s everyday life. It’s often hard for people to differentiate between suffering from an anxiety disorder or just undergoing a normal anxiety response because anxiety is such a common emotion.

But the two are very different.

There are many misconceptions about anxiety disorders and I’m going to talk about a few of the most common.

Only weak people get anxiety disorders.

You can be the strongest person in the world and still be struck down with an anxiety disorder. In all fairness, it’s usually the strongest and most confident people who suffer from anxiety disorders because they hide their emotions away. It’s a bit like kids films where someone would keep putting stuff under their bed and pretending it wasn’t there until the bed touched the bedroom ceiling.

People who suffer with mental health problems are often ashamed. Society has lead us to believe we have to put a smile on our faces all the time and pretend to be something we are not. This leads to high levels of stress, which will eventually lead to anxiety disorders.

At this point, people are often left confused. ‘Oh I never knew so and so was having such a hard time! I thought they were really strong’.

People deal with situations in very different ways. We don’t always know people’s stories or what their lives are truly like. Try not to judge.

Only people with anxiety disorders have panic attacks  

Panic attacks are a common symptom of high anxiety but are not always prominent with anxiety disorders. Specifically, anxiety disorders like Generalised Anxiety Disorder are more commonly diagnosed due to other less obvious symptoms such as insomnia, loss of appetite and obsessive thoughts.

Panic attacks are a physical reaction to anxiety and regular panic attacks will usually lead to a diagnosis of Panic Disorder (an anxiety disorder which consists of excessive panic attacks). But as stated, they are not always a symptom of an anxiety disorder and a panic attack can happen with or without mental health problems being present (such as the first time someone performs on a stage).

Anxiety Disorders can only be treated with medication

Medication should always be a last resort when it comes to anxiety but you should always decide what works best for you. In the short term, anti-anxiety medication can help you to obtain a better mindset in order to use other techniques.

However, there are lots of alternative techniques that can be used to get on top of an anxiety disorder and medication will often have it’s own side effects which should always be discussed in length with your GP.

Medication free treatments include:

CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

Mindfulness Meditation  

Counselling  

Breathing Techniques  

and Hypnosis (and others)

You should always fight anxiety!

Anxiety isn’t something you should fight against, but rather work alongside to control. When you fight anxiety, it often gets worse. Anxiety thinks it’s doing you a favour because, after all, it’s protecting you from ‘harm’. Specific treatments such as exposure therapy will allow you to face your fears a little every day and stay on top of your anxiety disorder.

Anxiety disorders are not easy to deal with. They often make you feel like you’re a prisoner to your own mind but getting the right help and support can allow you to do all the things you love and not feel as though your anxiety disorder defines you. You should never feel alone as 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer with an anxiety disorder at some stage in their lives.

Keep strong!

Georgia OX

Mind http://www.mind.org.uk

Mood Juice http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

5 Reasons Why You Should Vote in the General Election

When I was surveying Facebook today, I came across a discussion between some Facebook friends about voting in the upcoming 2015, General Election (Thanks for the inspo, Alice and Taylor!)

I realised that a lot of young people in this country probably won’t turn up to vote. Maybe 30 per cent of people won’t vote due to lack of education and knowledge about our political system. But the majority will probably be people generally believing they’d be better off NOT voting.

This is an insane prospect to me, and I can’t seem to get my head around the idea that anyone would think that abstaining from voting will somehow change British Politics for the better.

So I’ve created a post of 5 reasons why you should vote in the General Election.


You can’t mope unless you vote!

You don’t really have much of an argument on your hands if you haven’t actually bothered to educate yourself about the political parties, their manifestos and actually gone out to vote. It’s like moaning about a giraffe standing in front of your garden gate. The solution may not be straight forward and you may not get the results you desire, but at least you went out and tried to change the situation rather then being a moaning myrtle. Complaining about something isn’t going to do anything. It’s counterproductive and negative. Be the change you want to see. Every vote counts.

You are lucky enough to have a voice, use it!

We are extremely lucky in this country to have a democracy and have done for hundreds of years (technically, we have a thousand year history but woman weren’t allowed to vote till 1918 so it doesn’t count). Many countries, due to Dictatorship or Authoritarianism, do not allow their people freedom of speech and movement. We are probably one of the only countries where people can speak freely without fear of retribution. Young people in the UK have a say in how their future is shaped. We don’t always get our way, but the majority opinion overalls and most of the time, all is fair and just (I’m looking at you Cam for those exorbitant tuition fee -.-) So please understand how fortunate we are to be able to have a say in who runs are country, as many other young people do not.

You’ll Make A Change, No Matter How Small

Basically, don’t do a Russell Brand 

As much as his hair is awesome and he is quite dishy to look at, Brand’s idea for change is to encourage people to not vote at all. And what good does that do? It’s pretty much like not turning up to your GCSE exams as a protest against the education system. You aren’t going to benefit from it. You have to be in the race to have a chance at winning. The same goes for your vote. It may feel as though your vote is insignificant in the big scheme of things but your voice will count for something in the election. Even if you vote for ‘none of the above’ you still have the opportunity to change our Government and it’s policies.

Politicians HAVE to care

Us young folks are the future. We are the people who will legitimise the future Government and back their decisions for change. As much as we believe they don’t care about us, they kind of have to. They have a predisposition to win us over and subsequently, get our votes! Every vote counts remember. (Hence Lib Dem’s Rent to Buy scheme for young people who NEED to get on the property ladder)

Represent YO’

If more people were to vote, our Government would be a lot more representative of the majority of Britain. People complain our Government is full of privileged boys who know nothing of the people they act to stand for, yet if you don’t vote, how ill this every change? If we don’t like something, we need to speak up and make ourselves heard. We need more woman in politics and ethnic minorities. How can we make this happen if we don’t express our views through our ballet papers?

SO, get your butts down to the ballet station on the 7th May, OK?!

Georgia

ELECTION M_456
Me when I hear people aren’t voting.

If Uni just isn’t for you! (Alternatives to University)

You are in your last year of sixth form or your college course. You’ve raced to finish your final projects or are revising furiously for your end of years exams, all while trying to figure out what exactly it is you want to do for the rest of your life. Then someone throws a spanner in the works.

SO, which University are you going to?’

Obviously, if you’ve even considered going to University, you’ll have already started the laborious (not to put you off or anything) task of submitting your UCA’s application. You’ll have written your personal statement, a page worth of basically bigging yourself up to the point of borderline pretentiousness, and entered your whole educational history, which is always a sad moment if your GCSE results were shockingly rubbish! (OK, mind weren’t that bad but they weren’t the best!)

ATTENTION KIDS, revise for your GSCE’s because no matter how smart your are, you can’t ‘wing’ an exam. Which is totally not what I did… at all…

After submitting your completed application to UCA’s you could be waiting for as long as two months to hear back as to whether you have a conditional place on the courses you’ve chosen.

It’s a bit like X Factor really, expect Simon Cowell probably isn’t judging your applications. That would be too easy.

It can be a very worrisome and stressful time for some young people while waiting to hear back from University choices as to whether you have a conditional/unconditional place. This, as well as other factors, can put many people off.

Yet University is still the main option and popular for the next step in further education.

There is a lot of emphasis on the fact that a degree will allow you better career prospects. And a lot of the time it will. But University isn’t always for everyone.

Costly tuition fees, living expenses and being away from home are just some of many reasons people turn down university in search for a more suitable alternative.

Always make the decision that’s best for you and your future. The older generation often never got the the chance to go to University so may push the idea of taking this path. As much as University is a lot more accessible, the lifestyle that comes with it will not suit every individual.

I rushed into going to University thinking it was what everyone else expected from me. Everyone I knew was going and I felt I’d be looked down on for not extending my knowledge from my college course.

Turns out, Uni life really wasn’t for me. The binge drinking, night owl way of life was really not for this little home bird who much prefers sitting in front of the box then dropping some shapes in the club  (and by shapes I mean slightly bending the knees to the beat of the music, I can’t dance, get over it)

There are a number of alternatives to University depending on the career path you wish to take. Here are suggestions for just a few options you could take and how they could help you.


Take a Gap Year

If you need some more time to think about your options, you can always apply to UCA’s for the year after and take a year out. When I say Gap Year I don’t necessarily mean travelling to Cambodia like a private school kid who wants to know how ‘the other people’ live. You can spend your year volunteering or find a part time job to get you a little extra money for if/when you do attend university. Either way, this is a great way to build work experience and makes for a stronger CV.

Go Part Time or Open

If you like the idea of continuing your studies but want it to be more felxible, especially if you have a job on the side, you could consider taking a part time course up (this is usually out of work hours) or an Open University course, which could mean you are only attending University once every two weeks, allowing you to studying at home in your own time.

Apprenticeships

In my personal opinion, this is probably the best alternative to anyone who enjoys studying but is put off by length and expensive courses. Apprenticeships allow you to ‘learn on the job’ as well as gain a qualification in your chosen subject, which is paid for by the Government/Employer. Work experience is invaluable and you can make money at the same time as studying. I will do a separate blog post all about apprenticeships!

WERK

If you are more interested in experience and earning money you can find a job that does not require qualifications in further education. Some businesses even offer programs that will allow you to gain management positions so there is always an opportunity to move up within a company depending on the sector.

There are lots of different options rather then university that will be equally as rewarding in the long run and can allow you to find an amazing career. Make sure you look carefully at all your options and know you are happy. Not going to Uni or even dropping out if it doesn’t work out isn’t that big of a deal.

You’ll find what you are passionate about and love to do, even if it takes some time.

Georgia

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